My typical day now...

From the minute that we wake up in the morning I am constantly asking Logan not to try his new wrestling moves on his 7 month old sister, not to put her in headlocks, or something I say all too often "you are going to break her arms." This is normal, right?

Yesterday I needed to return a few things so we were going to Lakeside Village...it usually takes me about 45 minutes to get out of the house now between Maddie crying bc she hates her seat or Logan whining bc he all of a sudden forgot how to put on his clothes or his shoes by himself. I finally got both the kids in the car with no crying and realized I forgot my sunglasses...I ran inside and grabbed them by the front door and was literally gone a second. I came back to Logan standing in between the Jeep and the police car with his pants around his ankles peeing in our driveway. He looked at me with the straightest face and said "what I had to pee really bad." All kids are back in the car and we are on our way...this can only get better, right?

We get to NY and Company where for the most part Logan is well behaved and doing what I ask of him but then we go to try on clothes....The minute that I take off my pants to try on other pants he is loudly saying "why are you in your panties" and "I can see your vagina mom." So, I hurry up grab things without trying them on and head for the checkout. I am completely insane that I thought things would get better so I decide to bring Logan and Maddie to books a million. Logan had to go to the restroom so we went but as I am using the bathroom someone came over the loud speaker paging a girl named Amy to the front desk. Of course to Logan this sounds like Jamie so he opens the door (while I am using the bathroom) sticks his head out and yells shes going pee. I still didnt leave...lol!

We went over to the kids section and I let Logan play for a little bit and look at books but Maddie got really fussy and wouldnt stop crying. I told Logan that it was time to leave and to my surprise he was fine with that (after asking three times for a handful of books and me saying no). As we are walking out of the store Logan says "arent you going to pay for those five books" and points under the stroller....I could feel my face getting hot and I was honestly about to cry. I simply explained to Logan that would be stealing and we could get arrested for that where his reply was "they wont arrest me my daddy is a cop." So, now I am worried that my son is going to grow up a menace to society thinking he is untouchable bc his daddy is a police officer....I know this is a far stretch but this is seriously my "normal" now and I cannot believe I still want more kids lol! This is normal though, right? Do all kids act this way or just mine?!?!?!

One of the hardest things...

As I think about the funeral of Officer Crispin I get so overwelmed with so many feelings! I realize that one of the hardest things I will ever be in this life is an officers wife! I will cry for a fallen officer and witness one of the saddest things you can ever witness as his family and fellow brothers in blue say goodbye! The hardest part as a wife is to think "that could have been my husband" and even harder is to watch our husbands so visibly shaken by having the exact same thought!

I am not this strong...

As I sit and think about the last few days and how so many lives have been turned upside down I cannot help but wonder why and truly be angry about it all! I think about how these officers have no laws to really protect them and how they have shed many tears these last few days. I think about how this could have easily have been my own husband and how my children especially my son would suffer much more pain losing their hero than even losing me. I am scared that my children will grow up without a father bc of a senseless act that never has to happen. I just cannot wrap my head around the fact that we will honestly pay more to keep this killer behind bars then we will pay to lay Officer Crispin to rest.

I have truly been shaken to the core by an Officers death that hits way too close to home and I am mad. I am mad that my faith is shaken and that at the end of the day I have no choice but to put my smile back on my face and be my officers supportive wife. I am wondering how I can truly go on and handle death after death and kiss my husband goodbye everynight and pray that the next one isnt him. I am not this strong and I am angry! I pray that God can forgive my anger and understand it. It is insane to me that the same man I love with all of my heart...the father to my children goes out to protect you while I beg for you to protect him! All of them! I am sorry I am just so mad...